“ur
what would I say next, I have no idea.. I hope he doesn’t respond.. he’s probably sleeping anyway it's .. what if he replies? What would I say? That I miss him? Do I? I don’t even know… no I don’t think I do
I don’t miss him; I miss what we had.. I miss us..
It seems like we will never be together and somehow that realization made us drift apart.. but when he does actually talk to me, it’s like nothing is going on, as if everything is the way it should be; he jokes and tells me how his past few days have gone, but the only lingering thought in my mind as I hear his voice is : how did we end up in this place?
I remember we were madly in love and I was happy. If we weren’t together we’d be talking on the phone; if we weren’t talking on the phone we’d be texting each other… like we were inseparable..
But now? Now, he’s like a passing thought, like a gentle summer breeze that comes from time to time; while he used to be like the endless warmth of the sun.
Oh my god, the red light is flashing! He replied! I’m hesitating to open the message…maybe I should just pretend that I’ve slept and ignore.. I see it says “I just got in bed”.. did he type something before that or is that it? Should I open it? And then what? I have nothing to say…
But I send “Hi” …
No response yet, maybe he slept already... him being him, it wouldn’t be weird if he slept the very second he sent me his message, haha… I remember how I’d get upset some nights when he wouldn’t call me to say good night, with his excuse being that he suddenly fell asleep without meaning to… I’m sure that’s true; he always did sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow; I remember always joking about how he has sleep hidden in his pocket and he’d throw it on his face as soon as he got in bed and pass out!
I’m smiling now. I think there’s something wrong with me, only seconds ago I had tears running down my cheeks…
Four years… wow. That’s a long time right? This would be our fifth, but I’m not sure if I could count it…
Should we just forbid ourselves from contacting each other? Because what’s the point really? Staying in touch is just confusing me more… It seems like he still wants me, or thinks he’ll marry me in the future? I don’t know… but clearly, nothing is happening towards that… I don’t even know if I want him anymore; funny how feelings can be so confusing. I feel so numb, like someone’s put ice on my heart and froze it, so I feel nothing, or maybe there’s the slightest hint of a feeling but it’s so numbed that I can’t clearly translate it; I don’t even know what I’m saying now…
Was I really in love? What is love anyway?
I keep checking my phone for a reply to my Hi… seems like he slept…
Maybe I should sleep too…
Should I delete him from my blackberry first? I don’t even understand why he re-added me.
I’m giving myself a headache, like in my head I’m a 100 people talking at once, each with a different thought - Shhh.. be quiet all of you and let me sleep…
Good night new blog.
